The truth hurts...

Continuing where I left off,  I went to go see the high risk OB.  Basically when you go, the doctor gives you a sonogram and in our case explains things as we go as well as have a discussion afterwards about what they saw.  During our first visit, the doctor saw many things that were very concerning.  Clenched hands, clubbed feet, the bright spot on his heart, along with others.  She told us that she thought he had chromosomal problems like Downs Syndrome, Trisomy 13 or 18.  With Trisomy 13 or 18, babies are typically stillborn or die within the first year of life.  Not exactly the odds that you want to be dealt when you are pregnant.  The second visit with the specialist was even worse.  Worse than hearing your baby is going to have debilitating disabilities if he is born.  My doctor looked right at me and told me he was most likely going to be stillborn.  I was heartbroken.  Devastated.  I couldn't imagine not being able to meet my son.  I've only ever wanted sons.  I knew I was destined to be the mother of boys.  Now this doctor is telling me my baby was going to die before ever taking a breath in this world.  I just couldn't imagine that.  He was safe, he was fine in my belly.  Growing bigger and stronger everyday.  To me, at least

.

After that news being dealt to us, Freddie, of course, overreacted and yelled at the doctor that she was being mean to me and being over cruel and harsh.  I was so thankful that he was standing up for me.  Looking back now, that was his way of dealing with this heartbreak we were just finding out.  Was the doctor dishing out cruel and unusual punishment? No, she was just being truthful.  I wasn't ready to hear that news, no one ever is.  She is definitely the one I placed the blame on for many years.  Although, I didn't like her personally because I feel like she attacked me and my pregnancy, I could thank her today.  For not letting me walk into this and get completely blindsided.  I at least had heard the worst of the worst and had somewhere to set the bar.  In my experience it is best to set the bar very low, that way you can just be pleasantly surprised with anything else.

Now, let me clear about this, I don't remember tons of this.  Everything is fuzzy and confusing.  Bits and pieces come flashing to me.  My mother helps me put all this together.  She told me today that I had told her this after my second appointment,

"I'm going to try really hard to be positive the rest of my pregnancy.  It may be the only time I have with him and I'm not going to spend it worrying and crying all the time."

Now, I am trying to channel the bravery I felt then in helping me in this healing process.  If I could muster that up while I was actually in the moment, I can certainly make it through this.

OK now I will leave you with the lyrics to song that speaks to me often.  Staind, "So Far Away"

this is my life
its not what it was before
all these feelings i've shared
and these are my dreams
that i'd never lived before
somebody shake me
'cause i 
i must be sleeping

[chorus]
now that we're here,
it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
all the mistakes,
one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here its so far away
and i feel like i can face the day i can forgive
and i'm not ashamed to be the person that i am today

these are my words
that i've never said before
i think i'm doing okay
and this is the smile 
that i've never shown before

somebody shake me 'cause i
i must be sleeping

[chorus]

i'm so afraid of waking
please don't shake me
afraid of waking
please don't shake me

[chorus]