Trying

I am trying so hard to process through everything.  This sounds absolutely absurd but... I can't feel sad.  Sadness is a feeling I don't feel.  If I feel like I need to cry I have to watch like an ASPCA commercial or watch Marley and Me.  I don't do sad.  I don't cry.  I want to feel sad.  I do. Really, I am listening to all my songs that make me sad and wanting, wishing, waiting for tears to come and they just aren't there yet.  Not yet.  OK I just shed a few.  All I can do is keep apologizing to Nick for being awful and worthless.  I feel like I give nothing to this house or life.  Ugh, in my mind I know that is not true but I seem to think otherwise.  It't completely ridiculous but all I feel like I should to is apologize to people.  My friends, my family, Nick, Lydia.  Everybody.  I feel like I am such a burden to bear because of all my baggage I have.  I totally overcompensate in my parenting with Lydia.  I constantly apologize to Nick for nothing at all.  I feel overly guilty for relying on help from my family.  I should be able to do all of this on my own but I can't.  I simply can't.

It is so incredibly hard for me to accept I can't do this on my own.  I need people.  I am in desperate need of the people who love me and WANT to be there for me to hold me up when I can't stand.  Right now, I am barely standing.  Barely keeping my head above water.  Nevertheless, teaching 18 kids, having a 3 year old, a house to clean, 3 kittens to care for, 2 dogs, and a sick boyfriend who has been working 13 hour days.  I feel awful and terrible because my parents offered to take Lydia tonight and tomorrow night.  Tomorrow night was scheduled due to a work party for Nick but  because of my week this week, mom offered to keep her tonight. Just in case I needed a break.  I do need a break, so bad.  I can hardly care for myself let alone mini me.  It just pains me to think that I can't even handle taking care of my own child at this time.  Like I am passing her off on my parents.  I just can't right now.  And it kills me.  I feel like such a terrible mother.

I know, ridiculous right? Really, she loves spending time with my parents and if I am feeling so off she is better off with them.  It's all good.  I know this but why do I feel so bad about choosing this?

Ugh, this was going to be a short and sweet little thing about a song... The song that is "Jameson's song".  We played it at his funeral and it just captures everything.  But here I am crying and writing and ya.  That's progress right?

OAR "James"