A new/old phase.

I have been a complete wreck since Mother's Day.  A complete and total train wreck.  Oh, you didn't notice? That's because I am a master of disguise.  For those of you who saw through that or actually saw me, I am trying.  There is more to dealing with this than hiding my pain.  Thank you to all who have been there for me this week.  It's been a little close to scary and hellish.  It took me all week to figure out what exactly I was feeling.  I was feeling funky and off and terrible.  Then, after many sessions of music therapy, I've discovered I am angry.  That's like one of the stages of grief and I am there.  I am so incredibly angry that this happened to me.  I am so enraged that the person I dedicated my whole life to and gave up so much for completely fucked me over.  I did so much. I sacrificed so much.  My life, my money, my job, my pride. Everything. For nothing.  I found a song that perfectly depicts how I feel about Freddie: I Don't Care.  If you have the time to listen it captures some feelings I am having right now.  I feel like this is taking up so much of my energy that I can't even think about Jameson.  

In light of this, I am still feeling lost and broken.  So lost and broken.  I know I should feel like I found myself but I am drowning in my past. Staind "It's Been A While" pretty much sums up how I have felt my whole adult life.  It's been one major screw up after another.  It's really hard for me to see past that right now.  I know the whole well if I hadn't met Freddie I never would have met Jameson.  Well, c'mon honestly, really? I love Jameson, I love him so so so much but I had to hold him while he died because I was with Freddie.  I am so angry I married such a worthless asshat and that my sweet baby boy who did nothing but be born and bring joy into my life had to be taken away from me.  25 days? That's bullshit. It's not fair. Why me? Why my baby? What have I ever done to deserve this? 

I know that these are all questions that can never be answered.  Who knows why this happened but it did and it has changed the landscape of my life and personality permanently.

OK, last music reference for the night: Shinedown "Simple Man"  if you don't listen to any of the other songs, listen to this one.  I have always, always had a connection to this original version of this song by Lynard Skynard (or however it is spelled) I always knew that I would have a baby boy and this is such a great message.   But now, I have a baby boy, but he's not with me anymore.  So this song brings tears to my eyes for so many more reasons than it used to.  I used to cry  because I thought I would never have a baby boy to love and now I cry because I have a baby boy to love but not here in this life.