First off I have to say I am amazed. As of today I have 3,087 views to my blog. And what seems like a million comments along the way. Thank you so so so much for all the words of affirmation and support through my journey. At first I was so excited and it was great. I was finally dealing with things and now I realized I've opened Pandora's Box and it hurts. And not hurts so good.
Letting people see that I am not OK and that I am vulnerable is not something I do well. Haha, let me rephrase that, not something I do at all. It is starting to hit me that I am not ok and I am really vulnerable right now and it is not sitting well with me. So, thank you so much to everyone for the warm words, hugs, and love lately. Ugh, I hate to say it but I really need it. Really need it right now.
Back to Baby J's story though, I have to admit something... I made a mistake. After talking to my mom (the vault as I will call her) she reminded me of some details of Jameson's story I had stored too far back in my mind. So rewind back to where my regular OB said something after my first ultrasound. She had said he had a bright spot on his heart, which usually goes away after awhile. She referred me to get another ultrasound which she totally dealt with like "Oh, just another look at your baby, I'm sure everything is fine." That was her tone about this. Well, we went and did that and the ultrasound tech wouldn't say anything to me throughout the ultrasound, not like the first one at all. She was all business. I kept asking questions and she replied with "You'll have to talk to your doctor about it." To everything, she replied that to everything. So later that day, my mom wanted to see the ultrasound pics so she came up to Old Chicago (where I was working at the time) and she said I was just crying and crying saying that something was wrong and the ultrasound tech wouldn't tell me. She reassured me with "That's just her job, she's supposed to say that." Apparently I wasn't convinced.
The next day though, my doctor called me while I was student teaching. I, of course, completely flip out because I missed the call at first. I called back and the nurse told me that the doctor wanted to talk about my ultrasound immediately and if I could come in, RIGHT THEN. I was hysterical and went straight to my doctor's office. She told me that the bright spot on Jameson's heart was still there and that she observed he had clubbed feet. These two characteristics together could be a sign of chromosomal abnormalities. Then, she referred me to see the high risk doctor. Between Freddie and I we were completely in fantasy land thinking that everything would be ok. He's fine, he'll be just fine, that machine saw things wrong.
Unfortunately, we were very wrong.
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