Oh Mother's Day...

Mother's Day.  I see we meet again.  Sigh, a day that is supposed to be all sunshine and rainbows is never a day of sunshine and rainbows in my world.  I actually feel like a little thundercloud is following me around raining on me.  It thunders and rumbles at me that I will never celebrate Mother's Day with my firstborn, never.  I know, I know, ya'll are thinking I have Lydia and that should be what this day is about.  Well, I completely agree. Absolutely.  But there is still the thundercloud and there is still the truth that I will never celebrate, get hugs, receive adorably ugly handmade cards and terrible tasting breakfast in bed from Jameson.  Never. Gonna. Happen.  That is why Mother's Day and I have a beef.  Maybe one day we can agree to disagree but for now it's still a standoff.
I was thinking yesterday in my journey of healing that I would go get some blue flowers and take Lydia with me and go visit Jameson for Mother's Day.  Ya, no.  Therapy people will understand about a safe place. I was in my safe place (my bed hiding under my covers) and I still managed to get the racing heart and fast paced breathing going on.  Ummmm, so yeah I am not quite ready to take a step that big.  But I did think about it.  I really wanted to go see Jameson for today but I am just not ready yet.  Maybe next year?
On a brighter note, I try not to be a total kill joy on this day.  I am lucky I have a little rainbow in my life of Lydia.  She is too cute for words and sometimes she's the only reason I make it through the day.  Also, I really do have the best mother a girl could ask for.  She never judges, nags, or tells me what to do.  She just lets me be me and figure things out on my own.  And when things turn out terribly, she is always there to love me and figure out how to fix things.  My poor mom, the hell I have probably put her through breaks my heart.  I have had to tell my mama things that no daughter should ever have to tell her mom.  But she's always there with a kind listening ear and encouraging words.  She understands the pain I feel and how sometimes I hurt too much for words to explain.  I know that a hug from my mom can help me heal a little bit at a time.
After such a sucky, terrible turn of events over and over in my life I am finally in a happy place.  I can finally not let things like Mother's Day completely ruin me.  I see my sadness and I feel my sadness but I don't let it consume me totally.  It's so hard. It's so incredibly hard.  But thank sweet baby Jesus I have people like my mom to hold my hand and walk me through it all.  I know everybody says they wouldn't be who they are without their mom.  Duh, without your mom you wouldn't be here.  But in my case, because of her unconditional love, support, and encouragement, I really, honestly, wouldn't be who or where I am today.