Next Chapter...

Since I started at the beginning of the story last time I figure I should go to the next part chronologically: my pregnancy.  Pregnancy and I don't agree much.  Like at all.  Jameson was born at 30 weeks and I threw up several times a day for those 30 weeks.  I was working full time as either waitress or hostess at Old Chicago as well as going to school full time.  When I found out I was pregnant, I was observing/student teaching at a school here in town.  My cooperating teacher was less than pleasant to work with.  She was awful.  I knew that I had been a bit of a mess so I opened up to her about just finding out I was pregnant and she pretty much told me, "Well, I guess that's why you were falling asleep the other day during small group time."  I was already nervous about the whole situation enough and that really didn't help.
Soon enough though it was summer and Freddie was working at a restaurant here in town as a manager.  Things were ok.  We were still broke, Freddie was the same hot mess he had always been, and I was so, so sick from being pregnant.  I can't lie and say it was a magical time because it wasn't.  Freddie and I fought so much.  I mean we fought a lot because he was so difficult but to be completely honest, I am pretty sure that he had an affair during this time.  Because of that we got into a physical altercation about it at some point.
A saving grace on July 23 though was our first ultrasound with Jameson.  The first of millions ha ha.  We went in to find out the gender of our baby at the anatomy scan.  We found out we were having a baby boy! What a relief for me because I couldn't imagine raising a little girl.  During the ultrasound, we kept asking if he was ok as all expectant parents do.  Obviously, the ultrasound tech isn't qualified to pass on that kind of information to parents, so I remember her telling us that he has all ten fingers and toes.  That was good enough for me.  I was so excited to be welcoming a baby boy home on December 21 that I may not have cared if he was missing some fingers and toes.
About a month passes and it's time for my monthly check up with my OB.  During my 24 week visit, she mentions that Jameson had a small hole in his heart.  She said I shouldn't be worried and that it usually cleared up before  birth.  She referred us to the only high risk OB in Wichita.  My doctor told me not to be worried about my baby so I wasn't.  We did our usual routine after the appointment, lunch at Jason's Deli so I could get a tuna melt (tuna was my pregnancy craving with Baby J).
Little did I know, that my doctor was not exactly disclosing the whole truth about what was going on with Jameson.

 Jameson's first of many photoshoots.

The beginning...

OK, so I kinda can't believe that I am going to put this on the interwebs for everyone to see, judge, laugh at, or whatever but I will.  Ugh, maybe.  It's a funny story.  Embarrassing, but funny story.  So, as many of you guys know, there was a man before Nick. *GASP* I know crazy right? I certainly was at the time but that's a topic for another day.  So, many moons ago I met Freddie.  Crazy Freddie.  We dated for a few short months before getting engaged on my 22nd birthday.  I said yes.  Basically because nobody told me it was OK to say no.  But again, another story for another day.
Freddie and I went along doing our normal degenerate restaurant people thing.  Go to work, get off work and go to the bar.  All the time.  It seemed fine haha.  Well, there had been about a week or so I was feeling really, really funky.  Super tired and just groggy... Had no idea what was going on.  Well. we went to this tiny dive bar near Freddie's old work one night with his work people and I just had a grand old time.  At the end of the night, I was hungry and all I wanted was Tuna Helper.
 I know right?! Tuna Helper? At 2 am? After drinking? Blech.  But whatever I had my sights set on that glorious, high class meal.  Right after I told Freddie this he looked right at me and said "You're pregnant."  I was completely flabbergasted, "What?! No, you're wrong! Whatever!" But we went to Wal-Mart and got my tuna helper... And a pregnancy test.
We go on home and I cook up my food and we're watching TV and drinking a beer.  I had to pee so I was like "Well, I am going to just go ahead and squash this Freddie thinking I'm pregnant thing right now."  Or so I thought... I went upstairs and peed on my little stick and came back down for a few minutes just hanging out.  I go back up to get it and what?! Wait what?!  I take it back down, and show Freddie.  Sure as shit, I'm pregnant.  Well, there were probably more romantic and motherly ways to find out that you're pregnant but this is what I got.
I guess that the way I handled it was in my normal stoic way.  Well, that happened so, now just deal with it.  I finished my beer that night and went to bed.  The next morning I woke up and lived my life in a different way, I was pregnant.  Jameson's life was just beginning.  It was scary and confusing.  I just think about all the tears I cried when Freddie told me, "You have to tell your parents! You have to tell your mom!"  I didn't want to! They would know... They would know that I was... duh duh duh doing it.  Yuck.  Not something you want to talk to your parents about.
 Eventually, Freddie literally forced me to call my mom and through the tears I told her I was pregnant.  Even though, I knew at the back of my mind that they didn't like Freddie... Maybe I didn't even like Freddie.  But what was done was done... And I was having a baby.

Lately...

So, I have been connecting or distracting myself whatever you want to call it through music. I have two songs that I have really connected with. One is Monster by Eminem (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHkozMIXZ8w) and Pompeii by Bastille (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F90Cw4l-8NY&feature=kp)


Pompeii:
I was left to my own devices

Many days fell away with nothing to show

And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Great clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

We were caught up and lost in all of our vices
In your pose as the dust settled around us

And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Great clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

Oh where do we begin?
The rubble or our sins?
Oh oh where do we begin?
The rubble or our sins?

And the walls kept tumbling down (oh where do we begin?)
In the city that we love (the rubble or our sins?)
Great clouds roll over the hills (oh where do we begin?)
Bringing darkness from above (the rubble or our sins?)

But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

Nick didn't get how I connected to this song and even after trying to explain he wasn't catching on so I guess that it doesn't matter if other people get it, it only matters if it means something to me. I just think about my journey through losing Jameson relates to easily to this song. Because if I close my eyes it feels like nothing has changed and it does feel like I've been here before. And I absolutely feel like I cannot be an optimist about it. And even after I lost baby J I feel like the walls definitely kept tumbling down. But that is just my interpretation of the song and how I connect with it.


I know that everybody is just gripped on the edge of their seat waiting for Baby J's actual story but eh, it's a work in progress. I think I will get to that when I am ready. I feel like I need to get my feelings out before I can go that far.

After all this time...

Well, seeing as it has been five years, I guess it is finally time to really "deal with" losing Jameson.  My therapist has asked several times, what do you mean deal with? What does that look like to you?  Honestly, my response is always a shoulder shrug.  I suppose it is easier to explain what it doesn't look like.  What it doesn't look like is completely shutting out the feeling of sadness and putting any memories of Jameson in a little box in the back of my mind.  With all that being said, this is my first real attempt at "dealing with it".  Now, I am not sure where this journey will take me, but I'm hoping that sharing his story and all the love and joy I feel for him will help heal me.