The truth hurts...

Continuing where I left off,  I went to go see the high risk OB.  Basically when you go, the doctor gives you a sonogram and in our case explains things as we go as well as have a discussion afterwards about what they saw.  During our first visit, the doctor saw many things that were very concerning.  Clenched hands, clubbed feet, the bright spot on his heart, along with others.  She told us that she thought he had chromosomal problems like Downs Syndrome, Trisomy 13 or 18.  With Trisomy 13 or 18, babies are typically stillborn or die within the first year of life.  Not exactly the odds that you want to be dealt when you are pregnant.  The second visit with the specialist was even worse.  Worse than hearing your baby is going to have debilitating disabilities if he is born.  My doctor looked right at me and told me he was most likely going to be stillborn.  I was heartbroken.  Devastated.  I couldn't imagine not being able to meet my son.  I've only ever wanted sons.  I knew I was destined to be the mother of boys.  Now this doctor is telling me my baby was going to die before ever taking a breath in this world.  I just couldn't imagine that.  He was safe, he was fine in my belly.  Growing bigger and stronger everyday.  To me, at least

.

After that news being dealt to us, Freddie, of course, overreacted and yelled at the doctor that she was being mean to me and being over cruel and harsh.  I was so thankful that he was standing up for me.  Looking back now, that was his way of dealing with this heartbreak we were just finding out.  Was the doctor dishing out cruel and unusual punishment? No, she was just being truthful.  I wasn't ready to hear that news, no one ever is.  She is definitely the one I placed the blame on for many years.  Although, I didn't like her personally because I feel like she attacked me and my pregnancy, I could thank her today.  For not letting me walk into this and get completely blindsided.  I at least had heard the worst of the worst and had somewhere to set the bar.  In my experience it is best to set the bar very low, that way you can just be pleasantly surprised with anything else.

Now, let me clear about this, I don't remember tons of this.  Everything is fuzzy and confusing.  Bits and pieces come flashing to me.  My mother helps me put all this together.  She told me today that I had told her this after my second appointment,

"I'm going to try really hard to be positive the rest of my pregnancy.  It may be the only time I have with him and I'm not going to spend it worrying and crying all the time."

Now, I am trying to channel the bravery I felt then in helping me in this healing process.  If I could muster that up while I was actually in the moment, I can certainly make it through this.

OK now I will leave you with the lyrics to song that speaks to me often.  Staind, "So Far Away"

this is my life
its not what it was before
all these feelings i've shared
and these are my dreams
that i'd never lived before
somebody shake me
'cause i 
i must be sleeping

[chorus]
now that we're here,
it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
all the mistakes,
one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here its so far away
and i feel like i can face the day i can forgive
and i'm not ashamed to be the person that i am today

these are my words
that i've never said before
i think i'm doing okay
and this is the smile 
that i've never shown before

somebody shake me 'cause i
i must be sleeping

[chorus]

i'm so afraid of waking
please don't shake me
afraid of waking
please don't shake me

[chorus]

OK back to the story...

First off I have to say I am amazed.  As of today I have 3,087 views to my blog. And what seems like a million comments along the way.  Thank you so so so much for all the words of affirmation and support through my journey.  At first I was so excited and it was great.  I was finally dealing with things and now I realized I've opened Pandora's Box and it hurts.  And not hurts so good.

Letting people see that I am not OK and that I am vulnerable is not something I do well.  Haha, let me rephrase that, not something I do at all.  It is starting to hit me that I am not ok and I am really vulnerable right now and it is not sitting well with me.  So, thank you so much to everyone for the warm words, hugs, and love lately.  Ugh, I hate to say it but I really need it.  Really need it right now.

Back to Baby J's story though,  I have to admit something... I made a mistake.  After talking to my mom (the vault as I will call her) she reminded me of some details of Jameson's story I had stored too far back in my mind.  So rewind back to where my regular OB said something after my first ultrasound.  She had said he had a bright spot on his heart, which usually goes away after awhile.  She referred me to get another ultrasound which she totally dealt with like "Oh, just another look at your baby, I'm sure everything is fine."  That was her tone about this.  Well, we went and did that and the ultrasound tech wouldn't say anything to me throughout the ultrasound, not  like the first one at all.  She was all business.  I kept asking questions and she replied with "You'll have to talk to your doctor about it." To everything, she replied that to everything.  So later that day, my mom wanted to see the ultrasound pics so she came up to Old Chicago (where I was working at the time) and she said I was just crying and crying saying that something was wrong and the ultrasound tech wouldn't tell me.  She reassured me with "That's just her job, she's supposed to say that."  Apparently I wasn't convinced.

The next day though, my doctor called me while I was student teaching.  I, of course, completely flip out because I missed the call at first.  I called back and the nurse told me that the doctor wanted to talk about my ultrasound immediately and if I could come in, RIGHT THEN.  I was hysterical and went straight to my doctor's office.  She told me that the bright spot on Jameson's heart was still there and that she observed he had clubbed feet.  These two characteristics together could be a sign of chromosomal abnormalities.  Then, she referred me to see the high risk doctor.  Between Freddie and I we were completely in fantasy land thinking that everything would be ok.  He's fine, he'll be just fine, that machine saw things wrong.

Unfortunately, we were very wrong.

Trying

I am trying so hard to process through everything.  This sounds absolutely absurd but... I can't feel sad.  Sadness is a feeling I don't feel.  If I feel like I need to cry I have to watch like an ASPCA commercial or watch Marley and Me.  I don't do sad.  I don't cry.  I want to feel sad.  I do. Really, I am listening to all my songs that make me sad and wanting, wishing, waiting for tears to come and they just aren't there yet.  Not yet.  OK I just shed a few.  All I can do is keep apologizing to Nick for being awful and worthless.  I feel like I give nothing to this house or life.  Ugh, in my mind I know that is not true but I seem to think otherwise.  It't completely ridiculous but all I feel like I should to is apologize to people.  My friends, my family, Nick, Lydia.  Everybody.  I feel like I am such a burden to bear because of all my baggage I have.  I totally overcompensate in my parenting with Lydia.  I constantly apologize to Nick for nothing at all.  I feel overly guilty for relying on help from my family.  I should be able to do all of this on my own but I can't.  I simply can't.

It is so incredibly hard for me to accept I can't do this on my own.  I need people.  I am in desperate need of the people who love me and WANT to be there for me to hold me up when I can't stand.  Right now, I am barely standing.  Barely keeping my head above water.  Nevertheless, teaching 18 kids, having a 3 year old, a house to clean, 3 kittens to care for, 2 dogs, and a sick boyfriend who has been working 13 hour days.  I feel awful and terrible because my parents offered to take Lydia tonight and tomorrow night.  Tomorrow night was scheduled due to a work party for Nick but  because of my week this week, mom offered to keep her tonight. Just in case I needed a break.  I do need a break, so bad.  I can hardly care for myself let alone mini me.  It just pains me to think that I can't even handle taking care of my own child at this time.  Like I am passing her off on my parents.  I just can't right now.  And it kills me.  I feel like such a terrible mother.

I know, ridiculous right? Really, she loves spending time with my parents and if I am feeling so off she is better off with them.  It's all good.  I know this but why do I feel so bad about choosing this?

Ugh, this was going to be a short and sweet little thing about a song... The song that is "Jameson's song".  We played it at his funeral and it just captures everything.  But here I am crying and writing and ya.  That's progress right?

OAR "James"

A new/old phase.

I have been a complete wreck since Mother's Day.  A complete and total train wreck.  Oh, you didn't notice? That's because I am a master of disguise.  For those of you who saw through that or actually saw me, I am trying.  There is more to dealing with this than hiding my pain.  Thank you to all who have been there for me this week.  It's been a little close to scary and hellish.  It took me all week to figure out what exactly I was feeling.  I was feeling funky and off and terrible.  Then, after many sessions of music therapy, I've discovered I am angry.  That's like one of the stages of grief and I am there.  I am so incredibly angry that this happened to me.  I am so enraged that the person I dedicated my whole life to and gave up so much for completely fucked me over.  I did so much. I sacrificed so much.  My life, my money, my job, my pride. Everything. For nothing.  I found a song that perfectly depicts how I feel about Freddie: I Don't Care.  If you have the time to listen it captures some feelings I am having right now.  I feel like this is taking up so much of my energy that I can't even think about Jameson.  

In light of this, I am still feeling lost and broken.  So lost and broken.  I know I should feel like I found myself but I am drowning in my past. Staind "It's Been A While" pretty much sums up how I have felt my whole adult life.  It's been one major screw up after another.  It's really hard for me to see past that right now.  I know the whole well if I hadn't met Freddie I never would have met Jameson.  Well, c'mon honestly, really? I love Jameson, I love him so so so much but I had to hold him while he died because I was with Freddie.  I am so angry I married such a worthless asshat and that my sweet baby boy who did nothing but be born and bring joy into my life had to be taken away from me.  25 days? That's bullshit. It's not fair. Why me? Why my baby? What have I ever done to deserve this? 

I know that these are all questions that can never be answered.  Who knows why this happened but it did and it has changed the landscape of my life and personality permanently.

OK, last music reference for the night: Shinedown "Simple Man"  if you don't listen to any of the other songs, listen to this one.  I have always, always had a connection to this original version of this song by Lynard Skynard (or however it is spelled) I always knew that I would have a baby boy and this is such a great message.   But now, I have a baby boy, but he's not with me anymore.  So this song brings tears to my eyes for so many more reasons than it used to.  I used to cry  because I thought I would never have a baby boy to love and now I cry because I have a baby boy to love but not here in this life.

Oh Mother's Day...

Mother's Day.  I see we meet again.  Sigh, a day that is supposed to be all sunshine and rainbows is never a day of sunshine and rainbows in my world.  I actually feel like a little thundercloud is following me around raining on me.  It thunders and rumbles at me that I will never celebrate Mother's Day with my firstborn, never.  I know, I know, ya'll are thinking I have Lydia and that should be what this day is about.  Well, I completely agree. Absolutely.  But there is still the thundercloud and there is still the truth that I will never celebrate, get hugs, receive adorably ugly handmade cards and terrible tasting breakfast in bed from Jameson.  Never. Gonna. Happen.  That is why Mother's Day and I have a beef.  Maybe one day we can agree to disagree but for now it's still a standoff.
I was thinking yesterday in my journey of healing that I would go get some blue flowers and take Lydia with me and go visit Jameson for Mother's Day.  Ya, no.  Therapy people will understand about a safe place. I was in my safe place (my bed hiding under my covers) and I still managed to get the racing heart and fast paced breathing going on.  Ummmm, so yeah I am not quite ready to take a step that big.  But I did think about it.  I really wanted to go see Jameson for today but I am just not ready yet.  Maybe next year?
On a brighter note, I try not to be a total kill joy on this day.  I am lucky I have a little rainbow in my life of Lydia.  She is too cute for words and sometimes she's the only reason I make it through the day.  Also, I really do have the best mother a girl could ask for.  She never judges, nags, or tells me what to do.  She just lets me be me and figure things out on my own.  And when things turn out terribly, she is always there to love me and figure out how to fix things.  My poor mom, the hell I have probably put her through breaks my heart.  I have had to tell my mama things that no daughter should ever have to tell her mom.  But she's always there with a kind listening ear and encouraging words.  She understands the pain I feel and how sometimes I hurt too much for words to explain.  I know that a hug from my mom can help me heal a little bit at a time.
After such a sucky, terrible turn of events over and over in my life I am finally in a happy place.  I can finally not let things like Mother's Day completely ruin me.  I see my sadness and I feel my sadness but I don't let it consume me totally.  It's so hard. It's so incredibly hard.  But thank sweet baby Jesus I have people like my mom to hold my hand and walk me through it all.  I know everybody says they wouldn't be who they are without their mom.  Duh, without your mom you wouldn't be here.  But in my case, because of her unconditional love, support, and encouragement, I really, honestly, wouldn't be who or where I am today.

Next Chapter...

Since I started at the beginning of the story last time I figure I should go to the next part chronologically: my pregnancy.  Pregnancy and I don't agree much.  Like at all.  Jameson was born at 30 weeks and I threw up several times a day for those 30 weeks.  I was working full time as either waitress or hostess at Old Chicago as well as going to school full time.  When I found out I was pregnant, I was observing/student teaching at a school here in town.  My cooperating teacher was less than pleasant to work with.  She was awful.  I knew that I had been a bit of a mess so I opened up to her about just finding out I was pregnant and she pretty much told me, "Well, I guess that's why you were falling asleep the other day during small group time."  I was already nervous about the whole situation enough and that really didn't help.
Soon enough though it was summer and Freddie was working at a restaurant here in town as a manager.  Things were ok.  We were still broke, Freddie was the same hot mess he had always been, and I was so, so sick from being pregnant.  I can't lie and say it was a magical time because it wasn't.  Freddie and I fought so much.  I mean we fought a lot because he was so difficult but to be completely honest, I am pretty sure that he had an affair during this time.  Because of that we got into a physical altercation about it at some point.
A saving grace on July 23 though was our first ultrasound with Jameson.  The first of millions ha ha.  We went in to find out the gender of our baby at the anatomy scan.  We found out we were having a baby boy! What a relief for me because I couldn't imagine raising a little girl.  During the ultrasound, we kept asking if he was ok as all expectant parents do.  Obviously, the ultrasound tech isn't qualified to pass on that kind of information to parents, so I remember her telling us that he has all ten fingers and toes.  That was good enough for me.  I was so excited to be welcoming a baby boy home on December 21 that I may not have cared if he was missing some fingers and toes.
About a month passes and it's time for my monthly check up with my OB.  During my 24 week visit, she mentions that Jameson had a small hole in his heart.  She said I shouldn't be worried and that it usually cleared up before  birth.  She referred us to the only high risk OB in Wichita.  My doctor told me not to be worried about my baby so I wasn't.  We did our usual routine after the appointment, lunch at Jason's Deli so I could get a tuna melt (tuna was my pregnancy craving with Baby J).
Little did I know, that my doctor was not exactly disclosing the whole truth about what was going on with Jameson.

 Jameson's first of many photoshoots.

The beginning...

OK, so I kinda can't believe that I am going to put this on the interwebs for everyone to see, judge, laugh at, or whatever but I will.  Ugh, maybe.  It's a funny story.  Embarrassing, but funny story.  So, as many of you guys know, there was a man before Nick. *GASP* I know crazy right? I certainly was at the time but that's a topic for another day.  So, many moons ago I met Freddie.  Crazy Freddie.  We dated for a few short months before getting engaged on my 22nd birthday.  I said yes.  Basically because nobody told me it was OK to say no.  But again, another story for another day.
Freddie and I went along doing our normal degenerate restaurant people thing.  Go to work, get off work and go to the bar.  All the time.  It seemed fine haha.  Well, there had been about a week or so I was feeling really, really funky.  Super tired and just groggy... Had no idea what was going on.  Well. we went to this tiny dive bar near Freddie's old work one night with his work people and I just had a grand old time.  At the end of the night, I was hungry and all I wanted was Tuna Helper.
 I know right?! Tuna Helper? At 2 am? After drinking? Blech.  But whatever I had my sights set on that glorious, high class meal.  Right after I told Freddie this he looked right at me and said "You're pregnant."  I was completely flabbergasted, "What?! No, you're wrong! Whatever!" But we went to Wal-Mart and got my tuna helper... And a pregnancy test.
We go on home and I cook up my food and we're watching TV and drinking a beer.  I had to pee so I was like "Well, I am going to just go ahead and squash this Freddie thinking I'm pregnant thing right now."  Or so I thought... I went upstairs and peed on my little stick and came back down for a few minutes just hanging out.  I go back up to get it and what?! Wait what?!  I take it back down, and show Freddie.  Sure as shit, I'm pregnant.  Well, there were probably more romantic and motherly ways to find out that you're pregnant but this is what I got.
I guess that the way I handled it was in my normal stoic way.  Well, that happened so, now just deal with it.  I finished my beer that night and went to bed.  The next morning I woke up and lived my life in a different way, I was pregnant.  Jameson's life was just beginning.  It was scary and confusing.  I just think about all the tears I cried when Freddie told me, "You have to tell your parents! You have to tell your mom!"  I didn't want to! They would know... They would know that I was... duh duh duh doing it.  Yuck.  Not something you want to talk to your parents about.
 Eventually, Freddie literally forced me to call my mom and through the tears I told her I was pregnant.  Even though, I knew at the back of my mind that they didn't like Freddie... Maybe I didn't even like Freddie.  But what was done was done... And I was having a baby.

Lately...

So, I have been connecting or distracting myself whatever you want to call it through music. I have two songs that I have really connected with. One is Monster by Eminem (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHkozMIXZ8w) and Pompeii by Bastille (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F90Cw4l-8NY&feature=kp)


Pompeii:
I was left to my own devices

Many days fell away with nothing to show

And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Great clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

We were caught up and lost in all of our vices
In your pose as the dust settled around us

And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Great clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

Oh where do we begin?
The rubble or our sins?
Oh oh where do we begin?
The rubble or our sins?

And the walls kept tumbling down (oh where do we begin?)
In the city that we love (the rubble or our sins?)
Great clouds roll over the hills (oh where do we begin?)
Bringing darkness from above (the rubble or our sins?)

But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

Nick didn't get how I connected to this song and even after trying to explain he wasn't catching on so I guess that it doesn't matter if other people get it, it only matters if it means something to me. I just think about my journey through losing Jameson relates to easily to this song. Because if I close my eyes it feels like nothing has changed and it does feel like I've been here before. And I absolutely feel like I cannot be an optimist about it. And even after I lost baby J I feel like the walls definitely kept tumbling down. But that is just my interpretation of the song and how I connect with it.


I know that everybody is just gripped on the edge of their seat waiting for Baby J's actual story but eh, it's a work in progress. I think I will get to that when I am ready. I feel like I need to get my feelings out before I can go that far.

After all this time...

Well, seeing as it has been five years, I guess it is finally time to really "deal with" losing Jameson.  My therapist has asked several times, what do you mean deal with? What does that look like to you?  Honestly, my response is always a shoulder shrug.  I suppose it is easier to explain what it doesn't look like.  What it doesn't look like is completely shutting out the feeling of sadness and putting any memories of Jameson in a little box in the back of my mind.  With all that being said, this is my first real attempt at "dealing with it".  Now, I am not sure where this journey will take me, but I'm hoping that sharing his story and all the love and joy I feel for him will help heal me.